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Post by Theenormityofitall on May 29, 2006 13:04:19 GMT -5
A cop is on his beat and each day passes a pet store. Outside the store, there's a parrot in a cage. Every time the parrot sees the cop he shouts "sonofabitch, sonofabitch!" The cop puts up with this for weeks until finally he looks the parrot right in the eye and talls him if he ever says that again, he's blowing his head off. The next day the cop comes strolling by and stops by the parrot. The cop gets real close to the cage and the parrot just looks at him and winks and says, "you know". I know it's dumb but it made me laugh.
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Post by Theenormityofitall on Jul 26, 2006 20:19:35 GMT -5
Guess who had a birthday? Can you believe it? Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees. They grow up so fast.
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Post by thedemon on Jul 26, 2006 20:24:01 GMT -5
LOL!
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Post by spookshowbaby on Jul 31, 2006 19:25:41 GMT -5
"What's the difference between a Pussy and a Cunt?? a pussy is warm and wonderful and beautiful...............and a cunt is the thing that OWNS IT..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Ladies there is NO NEED for retaliation..........PLEASE.LOL..HAHAHAHA I actually thought it was pretty funny!
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Post by Theenormityofitall on Aug 1, 2006 17:43:24 GMT -5
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to identify each color, taste that color and say: "Red.........................cherry," "Yellow...................lemon," "Green......................"lime" "Orange.....................orange," Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," the teacher said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"
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Post by spookshowbaby on Aug 1, 2006 18:31:35 GMT -5
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to identify each color, taste that color and say: "Red.........................cherry," "Yellow...................lemon," "Green......................"lime" "Orange.....................orange," Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," the teacher said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!" LOL!!! Oh my god, that was fucking hilarious!!!
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Post by Theenormityofitall on Aug 1, 2006 19:34:47 GMT -5
lol
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Post by horror4ever on Aug 1, 2006 20:58:11 GMT -5
OMG LOL!!! That was hilarious!!!!
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Post by spookshowbaby on Aug 1, 2006 21:07:27 GMT -5
I'm totally emailing all my fiends that!!
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Post by Theenormityofitall on Aug 12, 2006 17:08:54 GMT -5
A man was driving around Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rang the bell and the owner led him to the back yard. He saw a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asked. "Yep," the Lab replied. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the traveling really tired me out, and I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I took a job at the airport doing undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded numerous medals. I married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The man was amazed. He asked the owner the price for the dog. "Ten dollars," replied the owner. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
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Post by snaggletooth on Dec 9, 2006 5:39:01 GMT -5
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Post by Theenormityofitall on Dec 9, 2006 18:16:31 GMT -5
LOL! I like that one.
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Post by Dr. Butcher M.D. on Dec 10, 2006 1:43:52 GMT -5
There's three construction workers eating lunch together on the building they are making. One is mexican, one is black, and one is white. The mexican opens up his lunch and says "A casadia again? Man if I get the same thing tomorrow I am going to jump of this building." The black guy opens up his lunch next and says "Damn, fried chicken again? If I get the same thing tomorrow then I am gonna jump of this building too." Now the white guy opens up his lunch and says "Ham and cheese sandwhich again? If I get the same thing tomorrow then I am jumping with you guys."
The next day at lunch they all get the same things to eat, and they all jump off of the building. When their wife's find out they are all very depressed. "If only I knew he didn't want a casadia again" the mexican's wife said. "If only I knew he didn't want fried chicken again" the black guy's wife said. Then the white guy's wife says "Don't look at me. He packed his own lunch."
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Post by snaggletooth on Dec 15, 2006 18:57:08 GMT -5
Nice one!!!
This is more of an observation than a joke:
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes, until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Exitmould. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound. Look at manly physique in mirror. Admire size of knob and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Make fart noises real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap. Shampoo hair, make shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry-off. Fail to notice water on floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again. Throw wet towel on bed.
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Post by Dr. Butcher M.D. on Dec 15, 2006 19:58:31 GMT -5
Hahahah! That's great.
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